Day 37

I got up this morning and my entire body hurt so I went back to bed. The extra sleep was great, but I missed my workout. I never realized how much it follows me through the day until it was pointed out to me that I'm a much happier person when I work out! I smile more, I get less worked up, and the good mood lasts most of the day. I guess its all those endorphins.

Breakfast was eggs and veggies. Lunch was another salad and yogurt. I snacked in grapes as well, but did dip my hand in chocolate a few times. The day was crazy, but I was looking forward to dinner with an old friend from TMS. She wanted BBQ, so we went to Cousins. It was pretty delicious. I had pulled pork, sausage, baked beans, and mac and cheese. I was stuffed and declined dessert at least.

On the drive home, my mind wandered.... I started thinking about failure and body image. Mostly because when I thought about packing, I cringed at the thought of a bathing suit, shorts, and tank tops. Its frustrating when you feel like you look terrible in all these things. I had actually bought a few things earlier in the month that were slightly tight, but convinced myself that I could work hard to get into them.

Dumbest idea ever.

They were still tight and I made a mental note to return them. Also in the new house, there's so much space that I can stand back far enough to get a full body picture.

I scared myself and immediately started feeling shame and like a failure. I haven't been doing great on this fighter diet. I'm almost halfway through and I don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I had all these plans to be super fit for my birthday and instead I feel/am super fat. How does it...why do I....always fall apart?

I started thinking about my habits. None of the healthy ones are as natural as breathing. I also have a few good days and then decide it's ok to have a naughty one. I get stressed out and decide to throw everything out the window.

But when you are so crazy busy, how do you keep it all together? It feels like something always has to be sacrificed and its never something you can live without for long. Less sleep, eventually I crash. Less workouts, I get fat. Less work, feel like I'm behind. Less chores, my OCD goes crazy. Less social time, I feel like I'm not enjoying my life!

It really does suck and I just feel like I can never find the right balance. Going to bed feeling a bit defeated tonight :/