Day 43

Today was travel day. I had a wonderful vacation, but I was ready to get back home and start working on my goals.

I had some left over steak, corn, and ice cream for breakfast. Hey we were going to throw it away and it's the last day of vacation! We stopped for coffee and I got an iced chai, then it was down to some serious driving.

We had some snacks and didn't stop till we were really hungry. I got the buffet at this place we stopped and sampled everything. I did start with a big salad though. The biscuits were to die for and I pretty much went into a food coma nap and then it was my turn to drive.

I made it home and pretty much dropped everything in the house. I was thinking of a bath, but it's way too hot. So instead I'm finishing posts, writing out my runs for this week in my journal, and just reflecting on life.

I have eaten everything under the sun in the last 4 days. I really think I could go a day or two without eating and be fine. I want for nothing because I've seriously had it all. Most people are terrible on vacation. With all the stress lately, it was much needed to just get away from it all.  I'm sure there's a better way, but what's done is done. I ate like a complete cow and now it's time to dig myself out of this hole.

I feel ready to put in work and determined to do better. The first thing I've decided is that if I don't bring it in my lunch bag to work, I'm not eating it. I don't need the chocolate, donuts or pizza. I'm going to practice saying no and reminding myself of this crazy ass marathon run I have coming up. I'm 15 weeks out and my confidence level is hovering above 0. Time to roll up my sleeves and stop dicking around.

Day 42

I woke up with a huge headache, but that was fixed after a few bottles of water. It was raining hard so we all just laid around and then sat on the patio. We decided to go to the local brewery for lunch to try their beer and burgers.

Well the beer wasn't that great. I had a glass and decided to switch to water. All the humidity made me seriously dehydrated. The burger was decent as well, but their fried calamari was excellent. Seafood is better by the sea ;)

After lunch, we stopped at the grocery store for dessert for dinner tonight. Then back at the house, lounged around and then hit the beach. The sun was out and it was pretty hot. We jumped in the waves and did some body surfing. Well I attempted. Mostly got beat up by waves, but it was still fun. I just love being in the ocean. It's a happy place for me :)

We got back to the house and started grilling food for dinner. This was my healthiest meal of the weekend. I had pieces of grilled shrimp, salmon, steak, chicken, and then asparagus and zucchini. For dessert we made ice cream sundaes.

Then we hung out watching America Ninja Warrior on TV. Seeing all those crazy strong people reminded me that I need to get back on it. I'm almost halfway through and while I have learned a few things, can't say much on seeing results.

Life is settling down and I need to re-focus. I forgot how much time you have to devote to race training and I'm going to have to give some things up to make time for stretching, icing, and getting proper rest.

I'm ready to hermit for a bit and be completely consumed by marathon training. Between the move, trip, and house things I need to buy, Shawna needs to do free activities!

Day 41

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

I woke up at 9am and was the only person up. Jenny came over so I went for a walk with her, Dixie, and Diesel. I brought kolaches from our stop yesterday at the Czech bakery, so we had those and a breakfast sausage sandwich. Then we broke out the bubbly :)

After hanging around we decided to go driving on the beach in Coles truck. It was overcast and raining periodically, but it kept the humidity down. We found a spot to camp out and got out some drinks.

I couldn't tell you what got into me. Maybe it was being on the beach. Maybe it was being with great friends. Or maybe it was the wine. But I jumped in the ocean fully dressed. Who says you need a bathing suit?!? 

We spent the afternoon jumping in the waves and sitting on that big tree branch drinking some beers. I got pretty drunk and it was a great relaxing afternoon. We made it back to the house and got dressed for dinner. Dinner was filet mignon, veggies, and potatoes. We sat around for a bit and then back to the house. I didn't last much longer than that. I was tired from all the sunshine and alcohol. 

Great birthday :)

Day 40

Hello Friday!!!! I got my butt up to workout. My body is a mess. I don't know what was wrong, but this morning it hurt to run. I was getting cramps in my legs, my feet hurt, and my shins felt funny. I also felt like I was running on empty. So I decided to do elliptical instead. I did 45 mins then headed home to pack, clean up, and shower.

I felt better after the shower, but realized I need to spend more time on stretching and foam rolling. After packing up, I headed to Walmart for ice and road snacks. I did pretty good here, getting water, fruit, veggies, hummus, pretzel chips, and chex mix.

I picked up Chris and Ashley then on the road we went. They also had some healthy snacks, but made the most AH-MAZING cookies with white chocolate chips. The drive was pretty good. We took back roads so avoided most traffic. It was nice to just chat, listen to music, and drive. We also took a pitstop at the Shiner Brewery. It was pretty cool to stretch our legs and taste some beers.

We arrived around 8pm, settled in, and had some beers on the upstairs patio. After a while, we walked over to a restaurant for a late night dinner. I had fried shrimp, oysters, and fish. It was delicious. I love fresh seafood.

At this point, I'm in vacation mode and I think it's going to be a pretty naughty weekend. I guess you only turn 29 once right?!?

Day 39

Today it felt like everything was against me. I woke up just exhausted. I got myself dressed and then had to take Molly to the boarder. Our drive to the boarder was eventful. My darling dog pooped in the car and then smeared it all over as she tried to get away from it. This included trying to jump out of the window. I finally get out of the construction zone and pull off to clean her up. Thankfully, most of it was on the dog cover and not on my fabric seat. We make it and then I decide to stop home before going to work to clean up. Well I make it home, go to unlock my door, and release that my keys are not on my ring.....

How did I lose my damn keys?

I called the boarder and thankfully they had my keys. I remember dropping them when I was handing over my dog because they got her all excited. But my damn brain is so foggy today that I didn't notice the house keys fell off. Well that was another 45 min drive back. I finally show up at work at 1030am.

My mood improved because my coworkers had decorated my desk for my birthday :) The downside? Everyone stopped by and would give me chocolate, which I ate because I was starving. Pizza was ordered for lunch so I said the hell with my salad. I also had cheesecake that I split with my coworkers. Then my afternoon completely went to shit because of a bitchy email.

I got out of work at 630 and headed to the mall to return the shit my fat ass couldn't fit in. I got my nails done, had a burger and fries for dinner, then went to bed.

I'm so done tonight that my brain can't even process simple thoughts. I just need some damn sleep!

Day 38

I got up for a speed run today. 400m * 6 with 400m rest intervals at a 13:20 pace. The first one was rough since I was still kinda sleepy, but after that, I think I like this speed run thing :) This workout went by fast. It was hard, but do-able if you mentally keep it together.

Breakfast was a bacon cheese croissant that one of my coworkers picked up for me. Lunch was salad and yogurt and grapes. Repeat crazy ass day. Then we had a dinner since our Head was in town with all our Indian people. At this point in the day, I'm just toast. I had two beers and a burger. The burger was amazing.

I went home and just crashed. I'm so tired and somehow I just need to keep it together for one more day, even though I feel myself slipping into that "I'm too tired to care" mode.

Maybe sleep will help and tomorrow morning Molly goes to the boarder so no time workout and drive her anyway. I'm so ready for the beach!

Day 37

I got up this morning and my entire body hurt so I went back to bed. The extra sleep was great, but I missed my workout. I never realized how much it follows me through the day until it was pointed out to me that I'm a much happier person when I work out! I smile more, I get less worked up, and the good mood lasts most of the day. I guess its all those endorphins.

Breakfast was eggs and veggies. Lunch was another salad and yogurt. I snacked in grapes as well, but did dip my hand in chocolate a few times. The day was crazy, but I was looking forward to dinner with an old friend from TMS. She wanted BBQ, so we went to Cousins. It was pretty delicious. I had pulled pork, sausage, baked beans, and mac and cheese. I was stuffed and declined dessert at least.

On the drive home, my mind wandered.... I started thinking about failure and body image. Mostly because when I thought about packing, I cringed at the thought of a bathing suit, shorts, and tank tops. Its frustrating when you feel like you look terrible in all these things. I had actually bought a few things earlier in the month that were slightly tight, but convinced myself that I could work hard to get into them.

Dumbest idea ever.

They were still tight and I made a mental note to return them. Also in the new house, there's so much space that I can stand back far enough to get a full body picture.

I scared myself and immediately started feeling shame and like a failure. I haven't been doing great on this fighter diet. I'm almost halfway through and I don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I had all these plans to be super fit for my birthday and instead I feel/am super fat. How does it...why do I....always fall apart?

I started thinking about my habits. None of the healthy ones are as natural as breathing. I also have a few good days and then decide it's ok to have a naughty one. I get stressed out and decide to throw everything out the window.

But when you are so crazy busy, how do you keep it all together? It feels like something always has to be sacrificed and its never something you can live without for long. Less sleep, eventually I crash. Less workouts, I get fat. Less work, feel like I'm behind. Less chores, my OCD goes crazy. Less social time, I feel like I'm not enjoying my life!

It really does suck and I just feel like I can never find the right balance. Going to bed feeling a bit defeated tonight :/

Day 36

Its Monday and I'm on top of it today. I get up and head to the gym, which is a 10 min drive away. I got in 5 miles. Get home, walk the dog, shower, pack lunch, and I'm out the door. The 20 min commute was a beautiful thing :)

Work was extra crazy because our head was in town. Breakfast was eggs and veggies then I was crazy busy. I had salad, yogurt, and a banana for lunch. And I stuck to my guns that afternoon snacking on fruit and pistachios since were taking our buyers out for dinner.

By time we left for dinner at 630, I was starving. We went to Cane Russo which has amazing woodfire pizzas. I had a beer, salad, and split a pizza with Ashley. The best thing about the woodfire pizza is that you never feel uncomfortably stuffed. I walked out satisfied and ready for bed. 

Walked the dog, took a shower, and went bed happy. My birthday trip was getting closer and I did really well today! :)

Day 35

I woke up and it felt like my entire body hit a wall. Everything hurt. My feet, legs, arms, back....you name it and it was sore. I was also still exhausted. I got coffee, OJ, and a breakfast sandwich from McD's and after eating, I went to sleep on the couch for 2 hours.

After my nap, I forced myself to do some unpacking. Made a pretty good dent in the kitchen and then Jenny showed up. I gave her the tour and then we decided to hit the mall. The walking around was great for my sore legs. Then we had ice cream to celebrate :)

As I was driving home, I was determined to have a better week so I did what I should've did last week: stopped at Walmart and picked up healthy food. I got salads for lunch, yogurt, fruit, veggies, and milk. I also got a frozen pizza for dinner because I was way too lazy to cook and I wanted to make sure the oven worked.

I put myself in bed at a decent hour and fell asleep with a smile thinking about my 20 min commute!

Day 34

Today was moving day. I got up at 5am and it was non-stop bouncing around. Breakfast was Starbucks coffee and a bacon sandwich. Then I cleaned while the movers got everything packed up. We were done in an hour and then it was off to the new place.

I dropped my car off to have the windshield repaired and then met up with the movers. Guess what? My key didn't work! They had the locks changed after giving me a key. So much for trying to be proactive :/  After many calls to the emergency number and property manager, they finally get me my damn keys. This took an hour and all the while we were all standing around in 100 degree weather. Talk about feeling drained and miserable. After we for everything in, I took my Aunt and Vic out for lunch. They wanted wings so we went to Buffalo Wild Wings. I was terrible. Two margaritas, 8 boneless wings, fried mushrooms, and French fries.

After lunch, I picked up my car and then it was back to Irving to finish up the cleaning. I finished at 8pm, picked up Molly and drove to the new place. By now, it was 10pm and I was hungry so I got a cheeseburger and fries from McD's because it was close. I think I was falling asleep while eating. But I made it to my new home and I was pooped!

Day 33

I didn't want to get out of bed today. I called in so I could go take care of my car. What a waste of a day. I spent the entire day running around trying to get this fixed to no avail. It wouldn't be fixed till Saturday.

I had good intentions to work out but that didn't happen either. I just had to much packing to finish, I was exhausted, and I could feel the stress levels at an all time high.

I just had Starbucks coffee for breakfast. Lunch was Egyptian food. I can't remember what my dish was called, but it was chicken, tomatoes, and cheese that you could put on pita slices with some type of Greek yogurt sauce. Dinner was pizza to celebrate last night in the old place.

Then I put myself to bed because tomorrow was going to be insane!

Day 32

Today I fell apart.

I woke up late, rushed to work and then was consumed by the madness. You know its bad when you're standing up shoveling eggs down your throat while talking to a coworker about some issue.

Time seemed to be in fast forward today. Everyone wanted a piece of me and I really just needed to shut them out so I could get some shit done. I spend all morning training my buyer on a complicated process. I'm trying to invest the time to set her up for success and give her the confidence to not crumple like the previous one did. Giving that much of yourself is exhausting! Especially when your boss and the rest of the world really don't seem to care that this is crucial to the process. Seriously my boss....I'm five seconds from rippling her a new one. Complete waste of a person.

I look up and then its 12:30 and shit I better get some lunch before I have no time to eat again. The afternoon is crazy busy and I just feel my anger level increasing. I'm so done today and really just need to go home. I really wish I could video tape a day at my job. It should be a reality TV show.

I finally leave at 630. Which means I have an hour drive ahead of me, I'm starving, cranky, have more packing to do, tired, exhausted, and really just running on fumes.

I get in my car, breathe that sigh relief, and then.... I saw it and I completely lost it.

There's a huge fucking crack the length of my forearm in my windshield. What the? How in the hell? ##%&#@#%&% I drive home freaking out the whole way. Of course since all my shit is packed, I can't find my warranty documents. I call the dealer and make an appointment to come in the morning.

I decide that for dinner I'm going to eat a few truffles that I got as a gift. That turned into the entire bag of Lindt truffles. And it was disgustingly delicious. And everything came crashing down. I'm frustrated at work, I'm exhausted, I feel extremely fat, there's too much to do, and I seriously just ate an entire bag of chocolate. I can't even deal anymore. The more I think, the madder I get. So I just take my ass to bed. Probably the best decision I made today.

Day 31

Getting up this morning was so hard. I just feel drained and heavy. But I got my butt to the gym and put in 4 miles. It was tempo run day so miles 1 & 4 are easy pace and miles 2 & 3 are tempo pace (13:02). The first mile wasn't bad at all. But miles 2 & 3, it pushed me. Its faster than normal, but do-able. It really was a mind over matter game. The last mile was a relief, I was so ready to be done, but I resisted the urge to run faster than an easy pace. The goal is to run all the training runs, not push myself so hard in one run that I have to skip the next one or two.

I got to work and was dying for some food.Veggies and eggs and sausage. It was another insane  day. I was able to grab some soup and bread pudding for lunch. I had 5 mins to eat and then I was taking bites here and there all day. By the end of the day I was exhausted and my legs were sore. I couldn't stand the thought of packing so I went walking around the outlet mall to stretch my legs. I bought pumpkin scented candles. I'm ready for fall, Fuck these 100 degree days. 

On the way back from getting Molly, I finally felt hungry. I was lazy and went to Wendy's for a burger and small frosty. I can feel my resolve just falling apart. I'm exhausted and I'm not sure that I can keep it all going this week. There's just too much going on! I decide that I'm going to at least workout every other day and get the runs in. I don't want to totally give up, but I think trying to do the lifting too will just cause me to completely fall apart. I could use some damn sleep anyway!

Day 30

I did not get up this morning. After working late yesterday and then staying up to pack, I couldn't stop my mind from going through the checklist of things that still need to be done.

Well it was another insane day at work. It flew by and I didn't even get to eat lunch. I was pretty thank that I decided to have a bagel along with my eggs and veggies. By the end of the day, I had a massive headache. I left work at 6 and when I got back to my side of town, I decided on Pei Wei. I got a small Thai chicken with brown rice and Hot & Sour soup. Hooray for choosing the small meal and not the large! It was more than enough, I didnt finish all the rice. Then it was dog park time.

When we returned, I took a shower and went to bed. I felt so shitty for missing my workout today and I was determined to get up Wednesday.

Day 29

5am gym I missed you!!!! It was good to get up and run. Breakfast was eggs with bacon, avocado, and veggies. I got breakfast down like a pro. Lunch was a turkey sandwich, chips, and then my coworker laid an oatmeal creme pie on my desk. Damn her. Then I sat in a four hour training and wanted to die. After work, I finally realized that I'm really not going to cook this week. I stopped at Pei Wei and got a small Thai Chicken with brown rice and a cup of Hot and Sour soup. It was delicious! Then it was dog park time and then down to some serious marathon training business. (17 weeks out!!!)

Today's task was figuring out my 5K pace time. This pace is the starting point for figuring out your paces for the 3 runs a week. I had to run 3 x 1 mile repeats with a min rest in between, which I did this morning. My mile times were 13:32, 13:41, and 13:37.

So you take the average and then look up the time on a chart. Talk about feeling like a fat ass, the chart didn't go far enough for my time :(

Well I just took the slowest time (12:57 pace) and then you go to another set of charts to find your paces for the 3 runs (speed repeats, tempo, and long run). So here's where we ended up. Ironically, my long run pace is the slowest I can go and still run Dallas marathon in the 6.5 hour cut-off.

I'm terrified that I won't finish in the 6.5 hours. How awful would it be to be running and they tell you the course is closing after all the hard work and telling everyone I know I'm running a marathon? I've gotta make every day count with workouts and healthy eating. Every pound lost means I can go a little faster. Plus speed and tempo training will help. I never actually paid attention to doing different types of runs (I barely pay attention to pace), which is probably why I've never seemed to break the 12:00 pace on a consistent basis.

So I'm getting down to business. I've started my training journal so I'm beyond official (ha!). This will be an adventure and so much can change in 4 months! I'm giving up Friday nights for Saturday morning long runs. I'm giving up cute shoes to protect my feet. I'm damn near going to give up Alcohol (3 drink limit!). Here's to losing weight, blisters, sore muscles, GU, ice baths, carb loading (yum), and living in compression socks! 

Eat. Sleep. Run. Repeat. 

Day 28

Wow Day 28. I fell into a bit of a hole yesterday thinking that my entire week was a complete failure. Looking back, I survived it the best I can and now that I'm back, I can hit it hard this week.

I got up and had coffee and donuts for breakfast. I spent the morning doing bills and catching up on blog posts. Note to self, don't leave a whole week of blogging to do. I'm far off from what I should be eating, but I'm bouncing back this week. I am more in control of my situation and I gotta keep pushing forward.

I learned from this last week to focus on making each meal the best it can be. If you tell yourself, "oh I'll make it up later", chances are you don't or you end up at a place where there's no chance to be healthy. I also learned I need to slow down and think before I eat. And lastly, not to beat myself up. Hitting my goal isn't based on one good or bad week. I just need to dust myself off and get back to work. I can't fail. I promised myself to finish this and we are 4 weeks through! 62 days to go!

I feel the fire coming back. I'm getting pumped up again. I keep thinking about how this is not where I want to be. I know I'm going to be stressed out this week between work and moving. I decided that I'm going to workout Monday-Friday mornings and be realistic that it just won't happen on moving weekend. I also decided that I'm going buy breakfast and lunch this week. Dinners...I still have smoothie stuff, turkey hot dogs, and frozen veggies to finish. I can't bear to throw it away. That's throwing $ away! And I'm avoiding the junk food this week. My scale is packed so I haven't been able to weigh-in, but next Monday, that number will be down. 

One crappy week won't turn into two. I'm going to do a little packing, take a bath, and then get my butt into bed. I've got a date with gym at 5am! I'm back bitches!

Day 27

Today was packing day. And it was the last thing I wanted to do. I went and had brunch with my Aunts. I had an egg white omelette, bacon, and split pancakes with my Aunt. I ate a huge meal so I wouldn't need to eat until dinner. Well that back fired. I went home and took a 3 hour nap.

Apparently I needed the sleep and I took it. After that I got down to packing and made a huge dent. That was pretty exciting. I ordered a pizza for dinner because my laziness has hit an all time high. I figured I could eat that tomorrow as well. Even with the nap, I still was asleep by 10.

Day 26

Apparently today was make me lose my mind day. It was crazy busy and stressful. I felt pulled in a million different directions. I had eggs and veggies for breakfast. Then the craziness ensued. All day. Non stop. We had pizza for lunch. I had 3 pieces. Now I need to work on getting down to 2. Then more craziness at work. I was in a training all afternoon and really just felt defeated.

Friends were meeting up after work and I decided to go. I needed something to make me smile. I had a beer, nachos, and a pretzel. Terribly naughty. After that, I went home to the dog and then out for my Aunt's birthday. I had a drink and went home to bed feeling a bit better.

Day 25

It was early as hell this morning. We made it to the airport and through security and the plane was leaving. I had 10 sec to think about breakfast so I got a protein bar, nuts, dried fruit, and water.

Well I'm stuck in a middle seat and it was miserable. I also found out that I grabbed PB M&M's instead of dried fruit. Awesome. I slept the entire ride home. Of course when we got off, our luggage was delayed. I went to the bathroom and threw out the M&M's.

I went to the doctor and I'm happy to report that the ulcer is healed! I need to stay on the healthy track and we discussed acid reflux. I can take OTC drugs for that and just have to see what triggers it. I think after this week, I can definitely say Alcohol :( But less Alcohol is better for weight loss, so I guess its another change to embrace.

After picking up Molly, I went straight to the couch. I slept for 4 hours straight and woke up exhausted. I grabbed a sandwich, walked Molly, and then went to bed.

Day 24

Today I felt better, but just exhausted. I'm ready for this day to be over with. I'm just done dealing with all these people and I'm ready to go home. I have no more fight or willpower left in me.

For breakfast, I had a sausage croissant, small coffee, and 6 count holes. I wanted donuts so I had them dammit. Today's schedule was a bit lighter on meetings, but no less crazy. I was online trying to work through all my damn emails. And guess what?!!? We did get time to eat lunch today!!!! I had a grilled chicken sandwich, chips, and cookies. I know, bad Shawna, but I was really feeling sorry for myself today.

We made it through the day, did our recap, and then actually had a nice dinner!!! I had steak, asparagus risotto, and cheesecake for dessert. It was delicious and I needed that. I went back to the hotel and just watched TV. I was so ready to be home and in my own bed. Im so ready to be back to my schedule. I'm tired of these people and all the work drama. I need peace!!!!

But it was going to be another early morning flight.

Day 22

I can feel the lack of sleep this morning. And I'm kicking myself that I didn't pack any pre-workout to give me that boost. Uggggh. I get dressed and then head off to find the gym. Its like the size of my bedroom with two treadmills, an elliptical, weights, a bench, and I think a bike was in the corner as well. I head straight for the treadmill. After the first 10 minutes, I find my groove and complete a 3 mile run.

I get dressed and then meet my coworkers. Dunkin donuts was for breakfast so I got an egg white flatbread and small French vanilla coffee. I'm feeling good about my workout and healthy breakfast.

Then we get into our day of meetings. It was insane. The Novartis campus is 22 buildings huge and of course our meetings are scattered all over. My coworker scheduled them one right after another so we rushed and were late to everything. It seriously was like herding cats all day on top of listening to people complain about the process on top of all these requests on top of crisis situations blowing up while I was away.

I don't think we sat done for lunch till 1. I'm dying, irritable and dehydrated at this point. I had soup and a salad and lots of water, which I had to shovel in quickly before the next meeting. As I start to hear about the schedule for the next two days I realize that my coworker doesn't plan time for us to eat because she doesn't eat. Just freaking wonderful. I can either over eat or starve. God can this week be any harder???

We finish the day at 5, run to the grocery store, and then at the hotel we have a wrap up presentation to do on the day. So as we are working, my coworker pulls out mini kitkats, candy, and pretzel chips. I had dinner plans with an old friend so I figure a small serving won't hurt because again, I'm starving. Well you know how it is when you don't pay attention to your snacking. I ate way more kitkats than I intended :(

We finished and then it was off to meet my friend. We went to Chili's, so I opted for a small steak, broccoli, and mashed potatoes. My food was terrible so I ate about half and then had two beers. We went bowling and I limited myself to one cocktail since I had an early morning ahead. We talked forever. It was 1am before I went to bed and I knew I was going to need a shit ton of coffee to get through Tuesday.

Day 23

I woke up feeling sick to my stomach and terrible diarrhea. I'm immediately pissed off  and upset because I had way too much to do today. I went to the gym anyway and managed to walk for 30 minutes without shitting myself. I feel terrible between the lack of sleep and that my body was against me. I feel like I really tried to make good choices yesterday and I didn't get drunk. Then my ulcer started acting up. Why? What did I do to deserve this today?

I didn't eat breakfast because I couldn't keep anything down. I sipped some water and then at lunch I had ginger ale and some chicken pad Thai. I was proud of the 7 bites I managed, but it didn't look like I made a dent. I wanted to curl up and die. I caught myself in a few meetings zone out, fall asleep, and then startle myself awake. I counted the hours till we were done.

After, guess where we went for dinner? KFC. Really?!?! I got some chicken, mashed potatoes, and Mac and cheese. I ate a little bit of breast meat, a few bites of potatoes, and all the Mac and cheese. I'm angry. I felt like my day was sabotaged and that I'm trying really hard for nothing. I passed out at 7pm feeling pretty shitty.

Day 21

Oh my god it's freaking early! I'm hating life and the people who think it's ok to do work travel on a Sunday. I get to the airport and am surprised there are so many damn people. It's going to be a long day.... I get through security and have about 10 mins to get breakfast and pee. Starbucks was the closest so I grab a scone, water, and grande iced caramel macchiato. I'm really getting this grande thing down! And I know how much flying dehydrates you so gotta keep up on the water. I make it to the plane and I'm seriously the last person on. Thankfully, it's empty and I get a whole row to myself. Now THIS is the way to start an early flight!

I settle in with my new book, "Run Less, Run Faster". Which is all about training for races while running 3 days a week. Basically you have 3 key runs: speed, tempo, and long run. I've read some stuff on the internet, but really wanted the I depth knowledge so I bought the book. 

We fly into La Guardia and then drive to NJ. Our hotel is down the street from Novartis' headquarters. The drive was ok. Obviously we hit some traffic, but that's typically, we were in the middle of NY! I navigated for my coworker and kept her calm. Before the hotel, we stopped at the grocery store for snacks because my coworker wanted room snacks. I fended off all the suggestions for candy and got some fruit, veggies, hummus, and pretzel chips. I was determined to be healthy dammit! And it was hard considering I was starving at this point.

After check in, we decided to just head to the train station and get into the city. We all just ate some snacks.....so after some fruit and pretzel chips, I just pressed on. Well.... We missed the first train and I learned that our 4 Indian associates that were with us, have a very different concept about time. Since the next train was in an hour, we decided to get food. I'm starving and starting to get a headache at this point. We ate at a pub and I had a beer, buffalo turkey burger, and sweet potato fries. I didn't eat half my meal. The idea of a turkey burger with buffalo sauce? Sounds good....tasted gross. So we rush everyone out of the restaurant and make it on the train. Thank God! 

Once we get into Penn Station, we decide to go to Times Square. It the closest and easiest place to get to since it's down the street. Plus after the train, I wasn't even trying to deal with herding all this people on a subway. So we walk around and go into little shops. The street vendors smell delicious, but I didn't stop. We went into one store though and they had moon cakes. Moon cookies are something from my childhood and I don't think I've ever seen them anywhere, but the east coast. What's a moon cookie? A soft white cake-like cookie with half frosted in chocolate and half frosted in vanilla. I had to get one and I enjoyed every bite. 

About halfway through our walk back, they had a vendor selling ice cream. It was muggy and I was soaked in sweat so ice cream just sounded divine. I got a small and it was pretty damn amazing. Then we hit the train. I realize at this point, as my coworker is freaking out about trains, that I had to take the lead on directions. It was quite the adrenaline rush trying to get one frantic coworker and 4 slow Indians on the right train to New Jersey. We made it though.

After navigating back to the hotel, I went straight to bed. It was 1030pm and I was planning to get up and work out. Business trip or not, I wanted to stay on the right track!

Day 20

Well....I woke the sleeping dragon called ulcer. I woke up and my chest and stomach are on fire. I want to throw up, but can't and oh well because I have a full day of appointments. I drop Molly off and then head back to the apt to get dressed. Then I stop by McD's thinking some greasy French fries and sprite will help me. I eat about 10 fries and that's all I can manage. I'm realizing that I think my drink threshold right now is about 4 drinks. Anything over that irritates the ulcer (which I think is shrinking?)

I make it to the hair dresser and I'm excited for the big chop. She's about halfway thru, when I start to get nauseous. Yes I threw up in the bathroom. Not once, but three times. I gave her an extra big tip for putting up with my hungover ass and I know I made her late for the next appointment. But my hair......is awesome. I love it and I feel a whole new sense of freedom. I'm glad I didn't let my thoughts about my face being too chubby to pull it off stop me. However, I do want to work harder because my face is front and center. Any extra face fat, you're going to see it. But... I can honestly sit here and say that I like my facial features. I don't want to change a thing :) 

After the hair, I went to get my nails done. It was seriously a day of pampering and I do kick myself a bit for being too hungover to fully enjoy it. I wasn't even drinking to get drunk or because I was sad or mad or anything like that. I was actually happy! I guess I need to work on my stress relief activities. 

Next I went to the movies. The earlier show was sold out so we went to the 945pm. I realize at this point by time I get home and pack for my business trip, I pretty much will get 3 hours of sleep. I was finally able to eat so I had some beef sliders. After a day of not eating, it was pretty delightful to have food go down and stay there! 

I got home, packed, and got that little bit of sleep. Sunday was going to be crazy

Day 19

I was looking forward to 5am gym time this morning. I ran 4 miles and finally had one of those feel good runs. It's nice to have an enjoyable run again! Because it had me wondering why I was putting myself through this dreadful shit. And the mood stayed with me all day. My happiness could not be broken even though I had to sit for 3 hours in a conference room with my boss. I just kept thinking...you don't have to see her face next week! 

Breakfast was good. I had eggs with veggies. They ordered pizza for lunch. I had packed lunch, so I at least ate some pineapple before. I had two pieces, but caved on a third when I saw there was garlic pizza. Overall, usually I eat 4 pieces at a minimum, so I'm counting this as baby steps down to two pieces. Which, as a new yorker and pizza lover, you can't just eat once piece...unless it takes to two hands to hold it. Dinner was the lunch that I had packed. Ground turkey tacos with onions and black beans on corn tortillas with salsa and sour cream. After that...I had a glass of wine and watched netflix. I was relaxed, I felt accomplished with my workouts, and I'm another week closer to moving! Well....then I opened the last bottle of wine in the fridge. I'm trying to get rid of stuff in the fridge and a small bottle won't do much to me right? 

Well that lead to two glasses of vodka and grape juice :x

You know you're ridiculously drunk when you're cheers-zing the television because the characters made a move you approve of. (Btw if you're looking for a good show, try Suits. It's about lawyers and the main character is HOT)

At this point, I drink a glass of water and go to bed. I have a lot of errands to run tomorrow! Eek! 

Day 18

Today I was successful at getting to the gym by 5am. I swam today and it was a nice break on the body. I felt very much at peace and satisfied that my workout was out the way!

Breakfast was eggs, sausage, and veggies. I skipped oatmeal because we had donuts brought in for the team. Then another crazy day ensued. I didn't get to eat lunch till after 1.

Thankfully, Ashley had lunch in the fridge. She made us 1 Salmon taco with a corn relish on a small corn tortilla and then we split a bag of cooked broccoli. "That's it?!?!" passed through my head and I had doubts for a moment on whether that was enough food...... We didn't even finish all the broccoli....I was full AND didn't even need a 3pm snack. It just really blows my mind on how distorted my portion sizes are. I seriously need her to serve all my meals! But I'm watching, learning, and getting better.

I was at work till 630pm and was toast by then. I was hungry and the thought of a long drive with no food made me sad so I took a donut for the road. I'm telling ya, things taste better in moderation. Probably one of the best donuts ever!

I got home, fed Molly, sat down for 3 mins and decided we should go to the dog park. Today she was interested in the Frisbee, so I had that little dog running! (Also surprised I could throw a Frisbee). I got home and hunger kicked in so I had turkey taco meat mixed with beans, onions, cheese, sour cream, and taco sauce. This is actually tomorrows lunch, but I was looking for quick and easy. Plus, I know there's enough for 5 meals. It really is amazing how far groceries go when you pay attention to portions. I think I used to finish off a pound of taco meat in 2 meals.

I also had a glass of wine in the tub to relax because I can! Life is crazy, but it feels a bit more enjoyable. I'm excited to move, to go to the beach, and I feel like the hard work is paying off. I like being on my own workout schedule and not having to compromise with others.

I think one of my downfalls was always wanting someone to do it with me so I wasn't lonely; in reality, its a solo journey. How I want my body to look and the things I want my body able to do are personal preference. I wanna do push-ups, pull-ups, dips, handstands, climb a rope, a marathon, a triathlon, and maybe even try to compete in a fitness show!?!!

I enjoy the days I get to workout with friends, but I'm no longer just waiting around for those days or using it as an excuse on why I didn't work out. I'm being selfish about my schedule and protective about my workout time because others will do the same. It's not college anymore, where I know you don't have anything better to do than go play basketball with me. And that's OK :)

It's not that I haven't been living my life, but more so, not to its full potential, not seeing all the possibility around me. I'm single and I think I'm finally becoming at peace with the fact that marriage isn't in my cards yet. But now....shit Shawna! What can you do with your life?!?! Where the hell is your imagination?!!?

In the upcoming 29th year of my life, I'm going to get fit and start traveling internationally. One country a year (well at least try). And I'm slowly gathering the courage to do a solo abroad trip. Life waits for no one and it's time I stopped waiting too.

Day 17

I was up and at it to run. It really improved the entire rest of my day. No one could sabotage my workout!

Breakfast was eggs, veggies, and oatmeal. I asked the server to keep it at one scoop of oatmeal, even though the same container holds 2 scoops, because I don't need that huge of a portion. Lunch was a team lunch. We went to a Mexican restaurant and I got a shrimp enchilada with veggies and rice. I did eat chips, but only had a few bites of rice. I ended up being full, but not stuffed.

After another whirlwind day, I went out for drinks with Ashley since Molly was at daycare. I decided to use daycare days to "live a little" instead of going home and doing shit around the house. I feel like I am enjoying more of my life. I had two beers out, talked, laughed, and headed to get my girl.

When I got home, I took my butt straight to bed. I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat anything. I'm trying to listen more to my body and not just eat just to be eating. Maybe I should've had something small like veggies or a fruit, but I was fine. Maybe I'll need that in the future. Overall it was a good day. :)

Day 16

Today had me frazzled. I was miserable when I got up so after feeding Molly, I laid down.....then it was 7am. Shit!!!! I made it to work, grabbed breakfast (eggs with veggies and a bagel), and then into the chaos. I ate breakfast in between calls and trying to answer emails.

Lunch came and I had a sandwich, pita chips, and diet Dr Pepper. I really didn't need the chips considering I had carbs in the form of bread. Next time, no chips. I also realized today with the 10 people we have from India for training, its a stressful even more fast moving environment! I found myself in the candy jar again. Pretty sure I ate 10 pieces. It's like monkey-see monkey-do. You're crammed in a conference room with 11 people and everyone is grabbing chocolate so you mindlessly do too. I gotta bring my water and grab that instead because I barely drank 32 oz today. (Bad Shawna)

I left around 6 and kinda just felt drained. Also mad at myself for not getting up this morning. It seemed to darken my day and I didn't have those endorphins. I told myself we were turning it around this week and first thing when I got home was workout! And workout I did. It was lift day and 1 round of the fighter diet routine. Its still freaking hard! But I told myself this move and then you're on to the next one.

And then....it was over. I did my workout and didn't give up. It felt like the clouds parted and the world was a sunshiney happy place! I instantly felt better about myself. 

Does it suck that 430am is going to come before I know it? 

Absolutely.

Am I going to be brutally sore because of less recovery time?

You betcha.

Will I bitch the entire way to the gym tomorrow? 

Probably.

But it's my own damn fault for not getting up and for dicking around last night instead of going to bed. And tomorrow I may suffer, but oh well. I suffer every time I put on pants and they're freaking tight! I suffer when I feel a bit less than because of my weight. I suffer when I look in the mirror and really want change. 

My ass is getting out of bed tomorrow and going to run on the treadmill.

The end.

Day 15

It was weigh in day. I lost 1.2 lbs (total of 4.8 thus far). Pretty pleased with that. I know I still have plenty of room for improvement, but chipping away slowly. I've made it 2 weeks! And I'm still chugging along :)

This morning was rough though......

Once my pre-workout kicked in, I was ready to go. I had a pretty good 3 mile run and was actually happy to run. It felt empowering to have the first few hours focused on the most important thing -> my health!

The runner's high followed me throughout the day. I had eggs, fruit, and a danish for breakfast. Lunch was Italian skillet. The day went by fast and I was very productive. I had my water with me all day. The only thing that got me was snacking on candy while training. We have a group of people over from India and I had them for 2 hours this afternoon. I don't know enough material for 2 hours! I managed along with 6 mini Reece cups. Apparently I knew more than I thought (ha!)

But by 5pm.....I had a huge headache. I left work at 6 and was just completely toast. I had panera for dinner because my oven isn't working. I think I really give up on cooking until I settle in the new place. I took Molly for a walk and then I was more than ready for bed. I should have no trouble sleeping tonight! 

Day 14

I woke up wanting pancakes. After walking Molly, I went to Cracker Barrel. I had eggs, bacon, pancakes, and coffee. I ate slowly because I was busy writing as well. Who knew how much this annoyed the server! He stopped by 3 times trying to take my plate. Listen fucker, when I'm done....you'll know. I may be by myself, but that doesn't mean that you're going to rush me out of there. Well I was satisfied about halfway through my pancakes. There's something to this whole slow eating thing. I left full (not stuffed) and satisfied.

When I returned home, I had every intention of sorting and packing up my jewelry. I sat on my bed and it was lights out. I took a 2 hour nap. It was deeeeeeeelightful. Then I got to packing and made a pretty good dent. I took out food for tomorrow and took Molly to the dog park. It felt good to walk around and stretch my muscles. Even though it was one round, I could feel yesterday's workout. And then my legs were taken out by Molly and another dog her size who were chasing each other. I wasn't even going to try to save myself on that.

Subway was for dinner because I was too lazy to cook. There might be a lot of Subway in my future. With so much going on, any thing I can do to make my life easier is much appreciated.

Today's little blurb talked about making daily movement a habit. Habits take practice and repetition. But every workout or healthy choice is a step closer to being fit. Even a lousy workout is better than no workout and honestly 9 times out of 10, it wont be lousy! This is something I need to remember....especially when it's the last thing I want to do. You can't wait till you're in the mood, you have to plan workouts into your schedule. And on that note, time for bed. 430am is coming :(

Day 13

Apparently I wasn't faking exhaustion. I got up around 7 to let Molly out, fed her, and then went back to sleep. I woke up at 1030am.

First stop was Starbucks. I got a coffee and a scone. They were out of breakfast sandwiches so I figured a scone has less sugar than muffin or bread (since these are what I would usually pick). Not the best breakfast, but I needed to catch up on my day after sleeping in. Next stop was dog park and Molly swam her little heart out. We then took a short walk so she wouldn't be completely wet in the car. 

We get home and it's time to workout. I realize I need to make better use of my technology so I use less brain power. I hate warming up and cooling down, so I found videos for each on pinterest. After the warm-up, I did 1 round of the fighter diet routine. Uhhh it was harder than I thought. Especially since I went slow and focused on form. I also pinned form for some moves, so I'm hitting the right muscles. But one round and then on to the cool down. It was do-able! And in the privacy of my living room, I could fall over or make a weird grunt noise without feeling like a total idiot ;) 

After the workout, I had no desire to do any packing, so I went shopping instead :) There were a lot of great sales so I picked up a few things for myself (happy birthday to me!). I survived the mall again without getting chocolate, cookies, or gelado. 

Dinner was subway. I wanted to keep the healthy rolling and I wasn't cooking. Then I finally made myself do some packing. Its actually more than packing, I'm throwing things out as I go that are broken, old, expired, etc. It felt good to get rid of stuff, but also made me realize how much crap I have. 

Overall, productive day even with a late start. I hate how fast Saturdays go by!

Day 12

I am so happy to see Friday, but I am completely un-motivated and brain dead. Breakfast was on point. Eggs with veggies and bacon and oatmeal. I've given up on work coffee and not really missing it either. Need to remember the water drinking before the meal. I had quite a bit before breakfast (due to the drive), but none right before I left for lunch.

Lunch was sooooo naughty. I had a sonic hot dog and tater tots with a chocolate milkshake. I guess not having my ball park hot dog at the game manifested itself. The good thing on the milkshake? I got a medium and only drank half of it. I'm  sitting here full, but I am not uncomfortably stuffed. And trying to catch up on posts.

I set alarms for my 430am wake-ups next week along with what type of exercise I will be doing. 3 runs, 2 lifts, 1 swim, and Sundays off. I also read ahead in the detox and see that we'll be starting some lifting (yes!) at day 29. I decided to start that routine next week and doing 1 round then work up to all 3 rounds by Day 29.

Day 11 also talks about the importance of exercise. Its how we boost our metabolism to burn calories instead of storing them for fat. Also slides in there how important weight training is: shapes your muscles (how you look) and burns fat long after the workout. This reminds of the Facebook group I follow called Ripped Goddesses. The owner did a cool post Thursday. She did a shout-out to different weight ranges and asked people to post their pictures. I wasn't really shocked till we got to 180-280. Holy shit. Some of this women, I never would've guessed at that weight and I would call myself content if my body looked like that.

I left work at 4 and took my butt straight to the gym. I had no motivation to do anything so I decided on elliptical. After the first 10 mins, I got into a groove and did a whole hour. I still was cranky after but felt better about myself.

I took Molly to the dog park and then it was couch time. I had a lean cuisine pizza for dinner and drank a ton of water. I survived Friday and look forward to sleeping in!!!!