Crawling Out of The Cave

I have been away for far too long. I fell into a self sabotaging hole and just laid there for a bit. I've gained so much weight I can't stand to look in the mirror and I have one pair of pants that "kinda" fit. I'm constantly angry, bored, anxious, unhappy, and restless with moments of joy sprinkled in. My moods swing so fast that I scare myself. 

And then the ulcer happened. At 28, you still feel untouchable. Sure, I could stand to lose some weight, but the last time I had a major health issue was getting wisdom teeth out. And then you spit up blood and it reminds you of shit you see in the movies. My own body is fed up with me. And I've learned that if I keep going down this road, I'll burn a hole right through my stomach and have acid dripping on my other vital organs. Imagine how much fun that could be!

One of my problems is perspective. I think for the past two years, I have focused on what I don't have. I've been trying to get to some imaginary level that in my mind I should be at right now. And let's face it, with all the marriages and babies happening right now, I wonder why it hasn't happened to me yet. 

I feel alone and I've put this unnecessary burden on my shoulders that I have myself alone to make it in this world. It's partly prideful, I enjoy the fact that I have taken care of myself and rarely do I ask for help. It's partly stupidity because I've isolated myself and made my own life harder than it should be.

So back to perspective. I'm working to change mine by focusing on what I do have rather than what I don't. The reality is that I'm single and there's not even a potential candidate in sight. I've had enough bad dates for the time being and honestly I feel a bit too insecure about my looks to date anyhow. 

It finally sunk in that I need to make a new plan and set new goals. Sure, I dream about marriage (look at my pinerest board) and kids, but I have a window of opportunity to be completely self-absorbed AND I'm financially able to do just that. If you wonder why I may not have much to say lately, it's because I feel like I have very little of interest to share. I need to go on adventures and have things to talk about and stop being so damn lame.

So back to my 2014 goals and back to my 10+ year goal of losing weight. I keep giving up on this one because change is hard. I realized that after the first few weeks, things get hard and I start researching for some other workout or diet to try. After all the jumping around I've realized that the one thing I've never done is commit for more than a month or two. I've also realized that I try to do too many things at once instead of being focused. Fat loss is a different program than muscle building. Training for a marathon is different than trying to increase the weight on all your lifts. 

Therefore I need to simplify. I decided to train for a marathon. I'm still going to lift, since that helps keep the supporting muscles as strong as your running muscles, but more reps and lighter weight. I'm still going to swim since that helps you become more efficient at using oxygen, builds lung capacity, and is low-impact cross-training. See? It all compliments each other, instead of trying to set a PR on the squat rack and thinking I'm going to run hard for 8 miles the next day.

Regarding diet, I am going to do The Fighter Diet by Paula Nordin. Why? I read about it in a magazine and liked her approach. It's called the Fighter diet because you have to fight to achieve the look you want and she makes no excuses that it will be hard and you will have to make sacrifices (crappy food or body you've always wanted? I know, kinda corny, but true!) So I purchased some of her ebooks. I'm starting with the 90 Day Detox, which has you make changes slowly instead of diving straight in to The Fighter Diet, which is normally what I do.

So starting Monday, I'm blogging about my 90 day adventure. My goal? To complete all 90 days and write about each day for your reading pleasure.