Day 11

Crazy productive day. I blame it on my morning Starbucks. I started off with a coffee and a breakfast sandwich since I knew I wouldn't have time to get breakfast at work. I jumped right in and next thing I knew, it was lunch time.

It was Ashley's day for lunch so I had tilapia, quinoa pasta, and mushrooms. I kinda felt like a jerk asking for the mushrooms (I needed a veggie), but it all worked out.

The afternoon was busy as well. I had a protein bar for a snack and that was it. By time I left, I was exhausted. I decided to treat myself to a little frozen yogurt cone. When I got home, I fed Molly and sat on the couch. Next thing I knew it was 830! (I fell asleep) So we got up for an hour long walk and then I went back to bed.

I hit my point. I just was completely done, but then my mind was still going and therefore I was up pinning stuff. I did find a few good healthy recipes to try, but I know with lack of exercise, I can't fall asleep easily. 

I feel a bit guilty. I should be doing better, but I'm just hanging on till I can get it together this weekend. I know there's a part of me that says I should do it now, but I'm just too tired and it seems like too much energy. But when you think about the time I spent pinning, really could've packed a healthy meal. Tomorrow, we'll do better.

Day 10

Talk about a completely sabotaged day. I could not get my butt up at 430. It is so early it made me angry. I fell back asleep instead. Then I got up and took Molly to boarding since I had ball game plans after work.

My morning was busy so I didn't get to eat breakfast till 1030. Eggs were no longer out so I settled for a bagel, banana, and 2% milk. (Carb, protein, fruit).

Lunch was also in a hurry. I had chicken enchiladas (protein, carb). I got veggies and beans as a side but they were too covered in butter so I skipped them.

I left work and it was off to the Rangers vs. Yankees game with Vic and my Aunt. I had cut my water intake so I could avoid porta-potties. We sat around and had a few beers and a water before going in. I also snacked on chips.

We had dinner in the stadium. Vic decided to get food while we were in the bathroom so I had no say in my meal. He's lucky the pulled pork sandwich (protein,carb) was good. I skipped the chips since I had chips earlier and ate the pickle (veggie?!). I had 2.5 more beers during the rest of the game.

Afterwards, I got a bottle of water and then drove home and went straight to bed. It was a fun evening out and I needed the chance to de-stress.

Not only does work stress me out, but these changes do! Day 9 threw a big loop with trying to eat certain foods at each meal and then trying to change my workout time. I realized, I can't massively overhaul my entire schedule in 24 hours.

So my plan is working on improving my meals and working out after work Thursday and Friday. This weekend, I'll do some serious meal planning and have all my meals prepped for the week so there's minimal thinking there. Then I can focus on getting my ass up at 430 next week.

Day 9

Day 9 brings more changes and more structure to meals. We start talking about protein (build muscle), fats (increases satiety), carbs (provides energy), and how they all have a place in your diet. These diet changes are for days 9-27.

**16oz of water before each meal**

Breakfast: Carb + Fat + Fruit + Protein

Snack: Protein + Fat

Lunch: Protein + Carb + Veggie

Snack: Protein + Fruit + Veggie

Dinner: Protein + Fat + Veggies

Snack: Protein + Fat

I'm going to have my hands full with this and it's going to take time to master. I notice it's heavy on protein and veggies.

How I did today:

I drank water at every meal, but didn't aim for 16oz before the meal.

Breakfast was eggs (protein), veggies, bacon (fat?? He he), plus oatmeal with brown sugar and cranberries.

I later had a piece of fruit for a snack.

Lunch was jambalaya (sausage plus rice and spices).

Afternoon snack was Greek yogurt and a piece of fruit.

Dinner was a protein bar, some cheese slices, and carrots. I was completely lazy today.

I indeed have work to do and its going to be rough. I wish I would've planned a bit better this weekend for this. Ahh well. I'll just try to fix one meal at a time until I master them all.

I feel a bit cranky. I tried to run outside this morning and only succeeded in overheating my dog. We didn't make it far and I realized that I'm going to have to get up super early, hit the gym, and then walk the dog. Sigh. I'm mad that I have to make a big overhaul to my schedule, but its either that or skip workouts. I can't skip anymore. I need that outlet! My sleep is going to suffer, but eventually I'll just pass out from being tired.

Gotta roll up them sleeves and get to work!

Day 8

Today is weigh in day. I started out at 278.8 last week. This morning, I lost 3.6 pounds. Wahoo one week down!

When I think about how far I have to go, its depressing. 109 pounds is such a huge number. I wish I would've taken myself seriously earlier in life or not let go of the progress I made before leaving Cincinnati. But I realize that life is always going to get in the way, there will always be something important and what sustains you are the good lasting healthy habits. If I had those habits, I wouldn't be trying to lose 100+ pounds.

I read an interesting article the other day. I had to share part of it because it basically sums up my fitness journey and what I'm FINALLY realizing. 

GAH! So true. I think about all the things I've learned from my friends. They all don't eat the same way and are into different types of exercise, but everyone has figured out their formula. We all know I'm a perfectionist and researcher extraordinar ;)

Today I am sleepy from all the weekend activities. I had eggs with veggies and completely skipped nasty office coffee. Its just not worth it to me anymore. If I really want a coffee, I'm going to get good coffee before I come in. Over.it!

Lunch was leftover jambalaya. I still have enough left for 2-3 lunches. I'm going to be sick of it after this week. Then the afternoon took a nose-dive into shitdom. I had to stay late. By time I left, I was starving and pissed off. I missed my workout and my poor dog is home waiting to pee. I fought the burger craving with some fruit and a protein bar, but all the way home I was furious.

I'm so tired of work sabotaging my workouts. Don't they know how bad I need that hour to unwind and just do something good for myself? I need to protect that time. My first thought? Just saying the hell with work and no matter what, out the door at 530pm. No different than if I had to run to meet a babysitter. We all know that won't work. 

Looks like its back to 5ams.....now I'm really fucking cranky. But I can't keep missing workouts! 

Day 7

You could call today cheat day.

Jenny and I went for a walk then out for something to eat. I had sunny side up eggs with bacon over jalapeño grits. Sooooo freaking good. Then we had ice cream since there was a marble stone creamery two doors down. I got a small without the waffle bowl. Normally that would've been a large waffle bowl and I would've had pancakes or waffles for brunch. I wasn't any less satisfied with the smaller size.

After that, I made wine slushies since Ashley and Chris came over. We spent this 100 degree day in the pool. It was great to relax and float around. We grazed on some cheese, crackers, and chocolate.  My win here being that I didn't just sit by the food and stuff myself silly. I enjoyed the people instead :)

When my guests left, I hit the couch with Molly. I got hungry so I snacked on more cheese, crackers, and chocolate since it was sitting out on the counter. What I really should've did was eat an actual dinner instead of being lazy. That wasn't a great choice. I put it all away and now I'm drinking another big nalgene of water.

I could tell I was getting sleepy (darn carbs) so I took Molly for an evening walk. It was good to move about, but I could tell I was dead tired.

I can't believe I'm one week down. I feel like I've made small improvements and I don't feel miserable or crazy or about to fall off the wagon. Actually, I feel pretty good about myself for making better choices. I was able to put $15 in my workout jar this week from various good habits. I feel ready for the next step. I know more changes are coming this week and I'm happy to take them on!

Day 6

Today was a good productive day. I woke up determined to eat breakfast at home. Well as I was rushing about, I over cooked my protein oatmeal and it was so nasty, I couldn't force myself to eat it. So after dropping Molly at daycare, I hit McDonald's.

This time I went with the Egg White Delight and a Medium Iced Coffee. A 400 calorie breakfast instead of 700. I think my taste buds are changing, the iced coffee wasn't as good as normal and I can't pin down what it was. I just remember thinking wow, this is NOT delicious.

Then I got both cars washed, hit the bank, mailed some stuff, and then went to sell my old car. I'm so happy to be rid of it and have my garage back!

After that, it was gym time with Vic. Hanging out with Vic is either gym/Chipotle or dinner/movies. So we're either extremely healthy or extreme fat asses. More and more, well be going the healthy route. Vic is one of my favorite people to workout with because he's intense and I always learn something new. It's one thing to read about moves in books and another to have someone there correcting your form. I can push myself a bit more on weight since I have a spotter that can catch anything I may lift.

But he is also the devil. If I'm not watching, all of a sudden, there's an extra plate or pin moved down on the machine. And I used to rise to every challenge. Well that only leaves me painfully sore for a week straight and unwilling to do anything. I've finally learned to set my ego aside and stop trying to show off :P

All workouts, end in stair master, or as I prefer to call it, stairs of death. Who knew that the simple task of walking up steps could be such a sweaty kick ass workout. I am always completely toast afterward and as I sit here tonight, I can feel it in my entire lower body.

So after showers. Post workout Chipotle. I load mine up with meat, veggies, beans, a scoop of rice, salsa, and guacamole. Even though it was 430pm, that was dinner. 

After that I went to the outlet mall to kill time and stretch my legs. Walking keeps the blood circulating and helps with recovery. I did make a few purchases, but the big win was that I didn't get a cookie, gelado, or chocolate. Im a sweets girl. I will always make room for a dessert even if it means stuffing it in after a full meal. Instead, I chewed the hell out of a piece of gum and kept walking past all the delicious smells. 

Then it was time to get Molly and settle in at home. I was tired, but had a great day. I had some chocolate pudding for dessert, watched 2 episodes of Suits, and went to bed! 

Day 5

Day 5 is the same changes as yesterday.

Breakfast was one egg scrambled with bacon, veggies, avocado, and pico. The coffee thing is killing me. One creamer sucks in crappy coffee. And adding splenda? Its not the right taste at all. I want creamy not ungodly sweet. I had two sips and then just switched to water.

Lunch we went out as a group for sushi. I got a box with a spicy tuna/asparagus/cream cheese roll, salmon sashimi, and tuna nigiri. Plus the salad and miso. I was quite stuffed, but not hurting. It makes me miss half off sushi at dancing wasabi.

The afternoon, I was brain dead, but gave myself 3 tasks to finish. I had Greek yogurt and a plum for a snack, then I left at 4pm to avoid crazy traffic.

I took my butt straight to the gym and ran 3 miles. It went much better today. No calf cramps. I think its because of my shoes. I've been wearing Sperry's the last 3 days, which are insanely more comfortable than my sandals. I still have doubts about the marathon because there is a time limit and I'm so damn slow right now. But I guess the only thing I can do is keep running. As weight comes off and my legs get stronger, I'll be faster!! But seriously, I would die if I didn't get to finish because of the time limit. 

I went home, heated up some jambalaya, fed Molly, then out to the dog park. It was still 98 degrees even in the shade, so she was done after an hour. I came home and started laundry. Nobody does laundry on Friday, so I have all 4 washers and dryers to myself!

I had chocolate pudding cup as a snack while I wait for the dryer to be done. I've noticed that I have more energy and I feel better on the inside. Usually on Fridays I'm exhausted, feeling beat down, and kinda in a bad mood. I do feel tired, but I'm up-beat! :)

On to the weekend!

Day 4

Day 4 brought more changes to my breakfast.

Breakfast I had eggs with veggies and avocado. I needed to reduce carbs, but  I got rid of bread altogether. My coffee was changed as well. Technically no creamer, but we had no skim milk so I did a creamer and packet of splenda. I drank two sips and was disgusted. My creaminess was gone and I was reminded how much work coffee sucks. I think it might be on to tea.

Lunch I was on point. Tilapia and peas. Then my afternoon put me over the edge. We've been coming up with a project plan for our purchasing team and presented to our boss. She tore it shreds saying these people can't do this or that, then said we need to own our process and make decisions, we made a counterproposal, ask her opinion, shed say I want you to make the decision, we say this is our plan, and then she tore it to shreds again.

Now I'm no stranger to critique. Do a 4-box at Toyota that's going to be presented to the President. You're going through at least 10 revisions. But illogical critique and no direction (even tho she clearly had an opinion), I lost it. And argued back. You could tell we were on the right track because then all of a sudden it was our entire groups project and we gotta work together and blah blah blah.

 I was so pissed off that Ashley and I went for beers instead of working out. I was so angry and trying to calm myself down that I had tears. I'm sure being up since 330am didn't help either, but I was beyond through.  I had 2.5 small pieces of brick oven pizza, 1 garlic knot, and 3 beers.

And I felt the knot in my chest unwind. I came home, fed the dog, and crawled into bed. Thankfully after two days of daycare, Molly was 100% on board with going to bed. I need my puppy tonight, what a shitty day.

Overall.... My breakfast was better and lunch was great. Dinner....well... I needed the beer. And I wasn't stuffed after the pizza. So I think OK. I didn't straight out binge and the company, laughter, and beer helped de-stress.

I took today off so tomorrow I will be in the gym getting a workout. I'm brain dead and sore from the last 3 days. Night!

Day 3

Day 3 is still about making better choices.

This morning, I dropped Molly off at Daycare and drank water while driving to work. I was ready to eat my water bottle by time I got to work! I grabbed eggs, a piece of sausage, and potatoes for breakfast.

Today was Ashley's day for making lunch, but she was attending a funeral so I was on my own. I had a salad from Schlotzsky's and was full after eating 75% of it. Its hard for me to leave food I paid for, but I really didn't want to be stuffed and sleepy this afternoon. Plus, I was full! So I LEFT the uneaten food! Next time I won't put all the dressing on it so I can take it for a side to another meal.

The afternoon was busy so no snack. I went to spin class where I about died (I was hungry!!!!) and then decided to have dinner with Jenny. We did Genghis Grill so I had steak and chicken stir-fry piled with veggies. My good choice here? Having only one cocktail (much needed today) and no appetizers.

I'm relaxing, but tomorrow I have to be at work super early to finish some crap. I thought about doing it tonight, but my brain is toast, my body is so sore, and I just need a freaking break. So NOT doing it!

I'd also like to point out that I didn't turn to chocolate or cheeseburgers or several cocktails even though it was an ungodly stressful day. I'm not allowing my job to make me fat anymore :)

Day 2

Today is the same goal as yesterday. Make better choices and swap out super unhealthy food.

And I started off with a fail. My AC broke so this morning I had to get the dog to daycare and call maintenance. It was 87 in my apartment and only going to get hotter. I was rushing so much I forgot my breakfast so I stopped at a drive thru for iced coffee and McGriddle (someone please explain why these are sooo good!).

Well, I should've checked the calorie count on that and thought about what I was eating. Picking the healthy choice rather than the one that sounds good isn't second nature to me. Let's just say dinner is going to be a protein shake and piece of fruit. :(

Today was a rough day at work. I was mentally drained, but made myself go to weight lifting class. It was full so I set up my mat near the mirrors. The class was hard and seeing my flab flying around in the mirror was a distraction! I was definitely getting pissed after the 3rd set of planks...those damn things are so hard! And ab work? Forget about it! 

Afterwards, I drove home while drinking my protein shake and eating a peach. WHAT A SHITTY DINNER! I am kicking myself for the drive-thru breakfast. I am dying for something savory and salty and comforting.....like a cheeseburger! (Ah!)

 I'm staying strong though. I've been thinking about how many times I did indulge in cheeseburgers after a hard work day and that didn't improve how I felt for long. I'm thinking about some of the moves I couldn't do in class today because of the extra weight. I'm thinking about what I saw in the mirror and how much I want to change that.

I admit I'm an emotional eater, but I never really thought about what that means. It's more than just a love of food (plenty of healthy people that love food), it's like food is my companion. Happy? Let's eat! Sad? Let's eat! Angry? I'm going to show that ice cream who's boss! Because I could've easily came home and made cheeseburgers tonight. It's not that I can't have one either...but I didn't start thinking about one till after the gym. I was tired, hungry, frustrated, and really just wanted some comfort. 

So I'm going to take a bath, hug my puppy, and go to bed before my willpower gives out. Today is over and here's my healthy choice today:

I didn't give up a whole day because of 1 bad meal. And that is good enough.

Day 1

Day 1 is all about making better choices. Not a drastic over haul, but small tweaks. Here's some that I made today:

- 2 creams in my coffee instead of 4+ (some days the coffee is terrible and mucho creamer needed. I'm considering a keurig purchase since my coffee pot broke)

- Brought my lunch instead of eating out

- Fruit and yogurt and protein bar for a snack instead of chocolate, chips, or animal crackers

- Drinking water over diet soda

Overall, I felt pretty good. I had a moment where I was starving after my snacks, so I ate a 100 cal bag of popcorn and then downed a whole nalgene of water. I think I was hitting a stressed out point and wanted to munch. 

The dreaded day 1 picture.....ugh!

I ran, well rather ran/walked 3 miles. It was hard. Everything below my belly button hurt. And it pissed me off. 3 miles a struggle?!?! Pathetic. 3 miles used to be when I was just getting warmed up. How the hell am I going to run a marathon? Was this a really bad impulsive race to sign up for?

Its funny how you always remember the good stuff. Not the fact that I've really let my running go this year. Or that I've gained weight and my both legs have an extra load. Somehow I still expect to pick up where I left off pacing-wise. I have my work cut out for me to get marathon ready. Eeek!

But why the hell not? I remember when I decided to run my first half. Talk about mixed reviews. This resulted in 2 responses: the happy, excited "good for you!" response or the "really your fat ass can run" smirk. And I did....5 times :P 

After the run, I did feel better that I went. It's a step in the right direction. When I got home I forgot to leave meat out, so peanut butter sandwich and milk was dinner. Then the dog park so crazy dog could run some energy off. Now I'm finishing this post and it's time for bed. Pretty decent Day 1 start. Gotta keep this up!

Day 0

So it's the day before the big day 1. And I actually have some work to do. Today's task is writing a letter to myself about my goals. 

20 reasons why I should stick to this challenge:

1. I'm ready to change

2. I'm not happy with how I look

3. My clothes don't fit 

4. I feel insecure

5. I'm tired all the time

6. I want to run faster

7. I'm sure my friends are tired of me complaining about my weight

8. Stress management

9. To feel accomplished

10. To be able to buy new clothes

11. To get in the best shape of my life

12. To show myself that I can start and finish this

13. So I can live a long healthy life

14. Build muscle

15. To feel comfortable in a bathing suit

16. So my parents stop worrying about my health

17. Because I have wanted to lose weight for 10+ years

18. So I don't die when I run my marathon

19. I'm tired of starting over

20. Because it's the last goal on my 2014 list

10 reasons why I shouldn't bother:

1. I'm lazy

2. It's going to take a lot of work

3. I'm too busy

4. I'm going to be sore all the time

5. I won't be able to eat out

6. I'll have to eat weird shit

7. The food will be bland and boring

8. I'll have to give up alcohol

9. I won't be able to have a normal life

10. I have a history of not sticking to things

Why I deserve to give change a chance:

Because at this point, I really have nothing to lose. What I'm doing now isn't getting me closer to my goals or making me any happier. So why not?!?!

So there you have it. At first, I really thought this was kinda cheesy, but it did surprise me that it was hard to come up with 20 reasons. And then the 10 reasons to not even bother, they all just seem like crap. 

I went grocery shopping today so I'm set for the week. I also got crafty today and made a motivation jar. What better way to stay motivated than to earn cash for a new wardrobe? I figured I better start now, watch out world (and my bank account) when I get where I want to be!

Crawling Out of The Cave

I have been away for far too long. I fell into a self sabotaging hole and just laid there for a bit. I've gained so much weight I can't stand to look in the mirror and I have one pair of pants that "kinda" fit. I'm constantly angry, bored, anxious, unhappy, and restless with moments of joy sprinkled in. My moods swing so fast that I scare myself. 

And then the ulcer happened. At 28, you still feel untouchable. Sure, I could stand to lose some weight, but the last time I had a major health issue was getting wisdom teeth out. And then you spit up blood and it reminds you of shit you see in the movies. My own body is fed up with me. And I've learned that if I keep going down this road, I'll burn a hole right through my stomach and have acid dripping on my other vital organs. Imagine how much fun that could be!

One of my problems is perspective. I think for the past two years, I have focused on what I don't have. I've been trying to get to some imaginary level that in my mind I should be at right now. And let's face it, with all the marriages and babies happening right now, I wonder why it hasn't happened to me yet. 

I feel alone and I've put this unnecessary burden on my shoulders that I have myself alone to make it in this world. It's partly prideful, I enjoy the fact that I have taken care of myself and rarely do I ask for help. It's partly stupidity because I've isolated myself and made my own life harder than it should be.

So back to perspective. I'm working to change mine by focusing on what I do have rather than what I don't. The reality is that I'm single and there's not even a potential candidate in sight. I've had enough bad dates for the time being and honestly I feel a bit too insecure about my looks to date anyhow. 

It finally sunk in that I need to make a new plan and set new goals. Sure, I dream about marriage (look at my pinerest board) and kids, but I have a window of opportunity to be completely self-absorbed AND I'm financially able to do just that. If you wonder why I may not have much to say lately, it's because I feel like I have very little of interest to share. I need to go on adventures and have things to talk about and stop being so damn lame.

So back to my 2014 goals and back to my 10+ year goal of losing weight. I keep giving up on this one because change is hard. I realized that after the first few weeks, things get hard and I start researching for some other workout or diet to try. After all the jumping around I've realized that the one thing I've never done is commit for more than a month or two. I've also realized that I try to do too many things at once instead of being focused. Fat loss is a different program than muscle building. Training for a marathon is different than trying to increase the weight on all your lifts. 

Therefore I need to simplify. I decided to train for a marathon. I'm still going to lift, since that helps keep the supporting muscles as strong as your running muscles, but more reps and lighter weight. I'm still going to swim since that helps you become more efficient at using oxygen, builds lung capacity, and is low-impact cross-training. See? It all compliments each other, instead of trying to set a PR on the squat rack and thinking I'm going to run hard for 8 miles the next day.

Regarding diet, I am going to do The Fighter Diet by Paula Nordin. Why? I read about it in a magazine and liked her approach. It's called the Fighter diet because you have to fight to achieve the look you want and she makes no excuses that it will be hard and you will have to make sacrifices (crappy food or body you've always wanted? I know, kinda corny, but true!) So I purchased some of her ebooks. I'm starting with the 90 Day Detox, which has you make changes slowly instead of diving straight in to The Fighter Diet, which is normally what I do.

So starting Monday, I'm blogging about my 90 day adventure. My goal? To complete all 90 days and write about each day for your reading pleasure.